It's a girl!

Another part of our ultra-cool ultrasound was finding out we were having a girl. It was a surreal moment – one second the tech was just looking around not saying much, the next she casually says, “Blah, blah, blah, little girl.” I honestly don’t know what she said first, but I was all of the sudden I felt shock, awe, amazement, doubt, and joy. I almost cried a little. Not because we were having a little girl (as my husband misconstrued), but because of the enormity of it all. There was a little girl in my belly. Wow. I had a baby girl. Just knowing the baby was a she (and the feeling would have been the same had it been a he), somehow bonded me to her – rooted my love deeply and fiercely. I say that before I go on, so that no one misunderstands my current fears and hesitations about her gender. One of the more common questions when I tell people we’re having a girl is, “Are you excited?” And I always feel like a terrible mother (which I’m sure is only a preview of feelings to come) when I hesitate. Because it’s not that I’m NOT excited – it’s just that I’m also terrified. Girls seem somehow more fragile, which to me translate easier to mess up. If I lose my patience and act like a jerk, a boy will forget about it by the next day (at least that’s how it works with my husband). I could scar my little girl for life. And then I also have this sense of guilt, because I’m not so good at “girly” things. Like I’m shortchanging her from the very beginning. Like every parent, I want my baby to have EVERYTHING, including all the experiences that culture tells us girls should have with their mother. And when I’m honest, none of those are in my bag of tricks. I realize that it’s 2010 and the stereotypical idea of what girls should do is no longer in place, but I still feel that guilt. I want her to remember cooking with her mom, and doing cool craft projects and having dress-up parties. I mean, I didn’t even own a purse until I was 22. I guess I’m just scared that I’ll disappoint her. Which I’m sure is a feeling all parents have about their children. And I know that what she really needs is to be loved – to be encouraged and supported and taught about the love of her Father. And I can do all those things. And I have to believe that He wouldn’t have given me this gift if He didn’t think I was up for it. That we were up for it. Because Chris and I are a pretty good team. I know he pick up slack in places where I’m lacking, and vice versa. And I know she’ll have the best daddy a girl could want, which goes a long way in my confidence that she’ll turn out okay in the end.